crashchaoscats

reflectin' & dissectin', thoughts on "detransitioning"

Pressure to Transition

I want to talk about how some women, particularly lesbian, butch and other gender non-conforming women, are pressured to identify as trans and transition female to male. This is a real problem and I know this because I am a butch lesbian who transitioned in response to the cultural environment I live in and how other people have treated me. I got countless messages that I was more acceptable if I presented myself as a man instead as of a butch woman. I lived as a trans man for almost a decade before I came to accept myself as a woman. I am also part of a growing community of women, most of them lesbian, who questioned whether they were truly female, experienced gender dysphoria, identified as trans, considered transitioning or actually did transition. Most of us struggled for years before we could accept ourselves as women. Read the rest of this entry »

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Resilient Not Ruined

 

Transcript: One of the problems I face as a detransitioned woman is that many people think I must be messed up forever because of my past transition. In their minds, having a body that’s permanently modified from taking testosterone must be a terrible thing to have to live with. In reality, I’m fine with my body, it’s other people’s reactions to it that causes me problems. I’m fine with having facial hair, more body hair, a deeper voice and all that, I’m fine with all the permanent changes I got from taking t. I want to make clear that I wasn’t ruined by transitioning. I wasn’t wrecked by taking testosterone or by living as a man. Being detransitioned has been hard in some ways but overall my life is good and satisfying. Read the rest of this entry »

Life as a Passing Woman

Transcript: I want to talk about passing for male and how that affects me. Someone commented on one of my videos asking me if passing for male ever made me dysphoric. I decided to make this video partially in response to that and also because I’ve been thinking about making a video about passing for a while now. I’ve been passing for male to one extent or another for over half my life, so there’s a lot I could say about it and how that experience has impacted me over the years. In this video, I’m mostly going to focus on how passing affects my life today. My present experience of passing is definitely affected by the fact that I started passing years before I ever took t, often without intending to. Sometimes passing can make me dysphoric but it would probably make me even more dysphoric if I’d only started passing for male after taking testosterone. Read the rest of this entry »

Alternative Treatments for Gender Dysphoria

Transcript: Hey there. I want to talk some about my personal experience with using alternative treatments for gender dysphoria because there’s not enough information out there about this subject.

I have noticed that some trans people are threatened by talk of alternative treatments for dysphoria just like they are threatened by the subject of detransitioning. There were two workshops that recently got canceled at the Philly Trans Health Conference and one of them was on detransitioning and the other one was on alternative treatments for dysphoria. And this included treatments for people who didn’t want to transition, people who had transitioned and then detransitioned  and people who were still, currently transitioning but found that transitioning didn’t relieve all of their dysphoric symptoms. So it didn’t necessarily have to be a replacement for medical transition, it depended on the person. Like it could be or it could be in addition to medical transition. Anyway, some trans people objected to this workshop because they thought the presenters were trying to discourage people from transitioning or spreading misinformation or dangerous perspectives. Some of them mocked the treatments listed in the program description, even though many detransitioned and dysphoric people have found significant relief using those methods. So these trans people apparently didn’t trust that people attending the conference could judge for themselves whether these treatments would work for them or not. Instead they felt that they had to “protect” attendees from such information, lest they apparently be mislead into hurting themselves, I guess. I don’t know, I think that perspective is really patronizing and insulting and harmful. I don’t see how people can make truly informed choices about treating their dysphoria if they don’t know that some people find that alternative treatments work better than medically transition.

So here I am now, to talk about my experience with such treatments because despite what some people think this is valuable information that many people find helpful. And I trust that people can listen to what I say and figure out for themselves if any of this is applicable or useful for them or not. I know every dysphoric person is different, what causes our dysphoria is different and what works for one person is not going to work for others.And this applies for trans people and detransitioned people because a lot of what has worked for me as a detransitioned woman doesn’t work for other detransitioned women that I know. Okay? We’re all individuals trying to figure out what works for us.
Read the rest of this entry »

Philly Trans Health Cancels Detransition Panels

 

Transcript: I want to respond to the recent cancellation of two workshops that were going to be presented at Philly Trans Health Conference. One was about detransitioning and was mainly addressed to therapists on how to support patients who detransition. The other was about alternative ways to treat gender dysphoria aside from medically transitioning for people who chose not to or can’t transition, people who transition and then end up detransitioning and for people who medically transition but find that it doesn’t address all their symptoms. Some trans people found out about the workshops from the conference schedule posted online and objected to them being presented because they thought the presenters had a “terfy” or anti-trans agenda or that their presentations would other wise be harmful in some way. They contacted the conference organizers and managed to get the workshops canceled.

I know one of the presenters, Carey Callahan and she’s a very talented, compassionate and insightful person. She has stated multiple times in her writing and videos that she thinks many people do benefit from medical transition and supports people doing what’s best for them. She has repeatedly resisted attempts by transphobes to use her work against trans people. She tries to speak to multiple audiences with different viewpoints and refuses to adhere to any specific ideology, which I think is one reason people find her threatening. She doesn’t bow to the prevailing trans ideology or the gender-critical feminist one for that matter. I personally respect her for trying to bridge differences between groups that have often wildly conflicting understandings of transitioning and trans identity and politics. That takes a lot of work and a lot of skill and energy. We need more people like her. Her writing and videos have helped me a great deal throughout my own process of detransitioning. Philly Trans Health is missing out big time not letting her present. Read the rest of this entry »

Why I Speak Out/Overcoming Shame

Transcript:

One of the biggest difficulties of being detransitioned is that I don’t get to just be a person. My existence gets politicized, people don’t just read my story to learn about how one woman has lived her life. They read it for evidence, they try to use it to win an argument, they pick it over for information proving or disproving a certain point. I know I’m not the only one out there who has this problem. A lot of people aren’t seen as humans with complicated lives but are instead treated like symbols, case studies, objects. I try to use my experience to enhance my overall empathy. Knowing I’m far from being alone doesn’t make this any less exhausting. The more visible I’ve become the more careful I’ve had to be about what I do and don’t say. Not just because I’ve become a representative of sorts but to protect myself. There are some parts of my life that I’m not going to make public because I don’t want to expose those parts to other people’s distorted projections and misinterpretations. Maybe I just need to stop paying so much attention to other people’s reactions. It’s hard though because I want make sure I’m effectively communicating and so I look for feedback, for how I’m coming across. Read the rest of this entry »

Socialized Trans-the video

I recorded a video of myself reading one of my older essays about pressure to transition. You can read the essay Socialized “Trans” here. I mistakenly said in the video that I wrote it three years ago. Actually it was four years ago. Can’t believe I’ve had this blog for so long!

I decided to make this video because there needs to be more discussion about social dynamics that encourage transition and I thought I could reach more people this way. It also helps to have a face to go along with the experiences being talked about. I want people to know that pressure to transition is a real problem that happens to real people. It’s easier to dismiss it as a myth when it’s an abstract possibility instead of a story someone’s telling about their life.

I hope more trans people can learn to listen to stories like mine and not be threatened. I want there to be more talk within the trans community about how social factors can influence people’s identities and choices because I think this can help gender dysphoric people figure out what’s best for them. Sorting out your psyche and motivations can be complicated and it helps to hear many perspectives. Having access to what I know now would’ve helped my younger self discover what I needed sooner, I’ve been thanked by so many other women for talking about my experiences because it’s helped them accept themselves as female and realize they don’t need to transition. My story doesn’t have the power to take away someone’s real identity but it can help people figure out what they are and how they want to live.

More Detransitioned Women Respond to the Article in the Stranger

 

My Thoughts on the Stranger’s Article on Detransitioning

Transcript coming soon.

Video I Made for the Detransition Presentation at USPATH 2017

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Crash. I’ll give you a bit of background about my transition history. I started living as a man when I was eighteen. I started taking testosterone when I was twenty. I took testosterone for a total of four years. I lived as a man for about nine years. I detransitioned when I was twenty-seven, I’m thirty now. I detransitioned because I realized that my dysphoria and trans identity were rooted in trauma and internalized misogyny. I was severely bullied and harassed, starting when I was a young girl and continuing throughout my teenage years. First I was bullied for being a gender non-conforming girl and later for coming out as a butch lesbian. I also realized that starting in my teenage years and also in my early twenties I received a lot of encouragement for identifying as a trans man. People treated me a whole lot better when I passed for male or when I was seen as a trans man compared to when I was seen as a woman and I think that greatly influenced how I saw myself. I also see a connection between my decision to transition and my mom’s suicide. She killed herself when I was twenty and I started hormones about three months after she killed herself. We greatly physically resembled each other and I think one of my motivations for changing my body is I wanted to differentiate myself from her. So I looked back over my past and realized that my transition and my trans identity were coping mechanisms for dealing with traumatic events that I had been living through and that a lot of what I had experienced as dysphoria was a kind of dissociation that resulted, er, was a result of trauma. And since I shifted my approach to dealing with my dysphoria from seeing my main problem to being figuring out how to express an internal gender identity to seeing my problem as being how do I heal and recover from traumatic events that I lived through I’ve achieved way more relief overall. I did experience some relief from taking hormones and living as a man but since I started to accept myself as a woman and work through my trauma, I’ve gotten a whole lot more satisfaction and I feel much happier and much more functional overall.