One of the biggest difficulties of being detransitioned is that I don’t get to just be a person. My existence gets politicized, people don’t just read my story to learn about how one woman has lived her life. They read it for evidence, they try to use it to win an argument, they pick it over for information proving or disproving a certain point. I know I’m not the only one out there who has this problem. A lot of people aren’t seen as humans with complicated lives but are instead treated like symbols, case studies, objects. I try to use my experience to enhance my overall empathy. Knowing I’m far from being alone doesn’t make this any less exhausting. The more visible I’ve become the more careful I’ve had to be about what I do and don’t say. Not just because I’ve become a representative of sorts but to protect myself. There are some parts of my life that I’m not going to make public because I don’t want to expose those parts to other people’s distorted projections and misinterpretations. Maybe I just need to stop paying so much attention to other people’s reactions. It’s hard though because I want make sure I’m effectively communicating and so I look for feedback, for how I’m coming across. Read the rest of this entry »
I recorded a video of myself reading one of my older essays about pressure to transition. You can read the essay Socialized “Trans” here. I mistakenly said in the video that I wrote it three years ago. Actually it was four years ago. Can’t believe I’ve had this blog for so long!
I decided to make this video because there needs to be more discussion about social dynamics that encourage transition and I thought I could reach more people this way. It also helps to have a face to go along with the experiences being talked about. I want people to know that pressure to transition is a real problem that happens to real people. It’s easier to dismiss it as a myth when it’s an abstract possibility instead of a story someone’s telling about their life.
I hope more trans people can learn to listen to stories like mine and not be threatened. I want there to be more talk within the trans community about how social factors can influence people’s identities and choices because I think this can help gender dysphoric people figure out what’s best for them. Sorting out your psyche and motivations can be complicated and it helps to hear many perspectives. Having access to what I know now would’ve helped my younger self discover what I needed sooner, I’ve been thanked by so many other women for talking about my experiences because it’s helped them accept themselves as female and realize they don’t need to transition. My story doesn’t have the power to take away someone’s real identity but it can help people figure out what they are and how they want to live.
Hi, I’m Crash. I’ll give you a bit of background about my transition history. I started living as a man when I was eighteen. I started taking testosterone when I was twenty. I took testosterone for a total of four years. I lived as a man for about nine years. I detransitioned when I was twenty-seven, I’m thirty now. I detransitioned because I realized that my dysphoria and trans identity were rooted in trauma and internalized misogyny. I was severely bullied and harassed, starting when I was a young girl and continuing throughout my teenage years. First I was bullied for being a gender non-conforming girl and later for coming out as a butch lesbian. I also realized that starting in my teenage years and also in my early twenties I received a lot of encouragement for identifying as a trans man. People treated me a whole lot better when I passed for male or when I was seen as a trans man compared to when I was seen as a woman and I think that greatly influenced how I saw myself. I also see a connection between my decision to transition and my mom’s suicide. She killed herself when I was twenty and I started hormones about three months after she killed herself. We greatly physically resembled each other and I think one of my motivations for changing my body is I wanted to differentiate myself from her. So I looked back over my past and realized that my transition and my trans identity were coping mechanisms for dealing with traumatic events that I had been living through and that a lot of what I had experienced as dysphoria was a kind of dissociation that resulted, er, was a result of trauma. And since I shifted my approach to dealing with my dysphoria from seeing my main problem to being figuring out how to express an internal gender identity to seeing my problem as being how do I heal and recover from traumatic events that I lived through I’ve achieved way more relief overall. I did experience some relief from taking hormones and living as a man but since I started to accept myself as a woman and work through my trauma, I’ve gotten a whole lot more satisfaction and I feel much happier and much more functional overall.
I wrote “A Woman Can” about three years ago, when I was twenty-eight. Just being able to put my experience into words was a big deal because there was hardly anything out there at the time that described what I’d lived through. In the communities I’d been a part of so much of my experience was seen as categorically un-woman, un-female. Claiming experiences like transitioning, living as a man, seeing one’s self as a third gender and so on as things a woman could experience was very helpful and healing.
Hey there, I’m Crash. I write the blog Crashchaoscats on wordpress and on tumblr. I decided to start making videos about my experience being a detransitioned woman. This is an introductory video. I’m going to briefly go over my past transition and how I came to detransition. Read the rest of this entry »