reflectin' & dissectin', thoughts on "detransitioning"

Tag: dissociation

Reclaiming Female/Speaking Back

Cut off from myself, wrenched apart, scattered into pieces, I mistook my wounds for what I was. Encouraged to live inside illusions, I gave my life to them to keep them alive and take what protection they offered.

I am a dyke coming back together after being severed and scattered, after learning to fear my own body and see it wretched and not enough, a place under constant threat I had to escape or change to survive in.
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Trauma and Transitioning

Transcript (edited for clarity):

Hey there. I’m Crash and I want to talk about how sometimes women take on a trans identity and transition due to trauma that we lived through. So I want to talk about a few things I think people should know about in regards to this.

First off, that it happens cuz I don’t think many people know this. My transition was largely a reaction to trauma that I lived through. I know a lot of other women who feel like their dysphoria or trans identity or transition were motivated as, they were a reaction to trauma. And for those of us who transitioned, we didn’t go into our transitions like thinking that we were reacting to trauma. We saw ourselves as men, as trans, as genderqueer, as non-binary. We had dysphoria that we were attempting to alleviate by changing our bodies. But somewhere during the course of our transition, we came to a different understanding of what our problems were. We realized that trauma played a significant role in how we saw ourselves and what we were doing. and then you know, we kinda shifted in how we thought about our problems and how we dealt with them.
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Sitting with my Twenty Year-Old Self, Remembering She is Me

I got my letter to start hormones after two visits and I got it even though I told my therapist that my mom had killed herself a few months earlier. I started testosterone about three months after my mom’s suicide. The therapist I was seeing expressed some concerns but decided to go ahead and let me start hormones because I’d already been living as a guy for about two years at that point, had always felt “masculine” and had been identifying as some kind of trans for five years. I’d already decided I wanted to transition before my mom killed herself. As far as I know, my therapist made no connection between my trans identity and the trauma of experiencing my mom’s depression and death. I think she was more concerned with how transitioning is a major life change that can be hard enough to handle without having to deal with a tragedy like your mom’s suicide on top of it. Read the rest of this entry »

Naming the Problem

Coming into contact with trans culture gave me language and a framework to describe and make sense of different feelings, sensations and experiences I had. It named a problem and a way to fix it. We usually called our central problem dysphoria.
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Becoming a Dude: Part Four-Dissociation+ Experimentation+Sexist Conditioning=”Manhood”

I was exploring what I could be. The place I was in seemed like a shit hole but I found a way to move to a new space and I decided to check it out. I ended up going deeper and deeper into this space to get away from what was fucking with me but I was also was just curious about what I would find there. I didn’t see it like this at the time but taking t and living as a man seem like experiments, attempts to adapt to the world and become happier. I was trying things out to see what worked and what didn’t. The choices I made were highly influenced by the culture I lived in, the media I consumed, positive and negative feedback I received from people I met. I was thinking, trying to figure shit out and making decisions and simultaneously I was being conditioned by the world around me. I didn’t realize how effected I was by other people and my environment until years later partially because I couldn’t admit to myself that I had any issues or that my mind could be influenced like that. A lot of the shit that shaped me was painful and I blocked it out of my mind and didn’t even realize I’d forgotten it until years later.

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Becoming a Dude: Part Three-Problem Solving

I think I was drawn to see myself as trans so I could try to turn a confusing mess of problems into a singular problem with a clear solution. Some of this I vaguely knew I was doing at the time, but most of this I only notice in hindsight. Some of these problems directly concerned the question of what I was, some came from my past, while still others were taking place co-currently with my obsessive gender introspection. Consciously and unconsciously, I tried to interrelate and connect my problems with my gender/body dysphoria and solve them all by transitioning. Here’s a look at a few of them.

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