crashchaoscats

reflectin' & dissectin', thoughts on "detransitioning"

Tag: Body modification

Women Transition

Women transition.

Women transition because we feel, see and experience ourselves as men, as genderqueer, as transmasculine, as non-binary, as not female in some way. Women transition because we’ve felt male our whole lives, because when we were kids we expected to grow up into a male body, because we couldn’t imagine growing up to be a woman or growing old as one. Women transition because we never felt like we fit in with other girls, because we felt like something else, because we always got along better with boys and men and felt like one of them. Women transition because we met a trans person or read about trans experiences and so much of our lives suddenly made sense. Women transition because we talk to trans people and find our lives reflected in their words, go to trans support groups and meet other people struggling with feelings and problems we have too. Women transition because being seen as female feels wrong, because being called “she” stings, because passing as male or genderqueer and being called “he” or “they” feels right. Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

Living in a Modified Body

I live in a modified body, sculpted by injectable hormones, which now seems like an indulgence in technological excess. Strange times we live in. I’m always going to wonder what might have been. What would my body be like now if I’d never done t? I devalued my own body, I became dissatisfied with it, I convinced myself that it wasn’t enough, didn’t speak clearly enough about what I was. Why, because it was too female? Because unchanged bodies are too normal, even though I was told many times that people thought my body was strange, was too “mannish” for a women’s body?
Read the rest of this entry »

Suburban to “Subversive”

When I was heavy into queer theory and gender studies, I was into the whole concept of “transsexual as radical sex-changing self-creating mutant gender warrior”, ideas dreamed up by mostly non-trans academics and a handful of trans people, many of them theory-heads and performance artists. I looked at what I was doing as some sort of subversive magick or alchemy. Now, looking back from a more politically and socially mature perspective, what I did seems more like a insecure kid desperate to find some way to distinguish myself in the world by becoming a “gender outlaw” (even though in many ways I was more of one before I transitioned), trying to make myself more interesting than the other white middle-class kids who grew up in the suburbs.
Read the rest of this entry »