Video I Made for the Detransition Presentation at USPATH 2017

by crashchaoscats

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Crash. I’ll give you a bit of background about my transition history. I started living as a man when I was eighteen. I started taking testosterone when I was twenty. I took testosterone for a total of four years. I lived as a man for about nine years. I detransitioned when I was twenty-seven, I’m thirty now. I detransitioned because I realized that my dysphoria and trans identity were rooted in trauma and internalized misogyny. I was severely bullied and harassed, starting when I was a young girl and continuing throughout my teenage years. First I was bullied for being a gender non-conforming girl and later for coming out as a butch lesbian. I also realized that starting in my teenage years and also in my early twenties I received a lot of encouragement for identifying as a trans man. People treated me a whole lot better when I passed for male or when I was seen as a trans man compared to when I was seen as a woman and I think that greatly influenced how I saw myself. I also see a connection between my decision to transition and my mom’s suicide. She killed herself when I was twenty and I started hormones about three months after she killed herself. We greatly physically resembled each other and I think one of my motivations for changing my body is I wanted to differentiate myself from her. So I looked back over my past and realized that my transition and my trans identity were coping mechanisms for dealing with traumatic events that I had been living through and that a lot of what I had experienced as dysphoria was a kind of dissociation that resulted, er, was a result of trauma. And since I shifted my approach to dealing with my dysphoria from seeing my main problem to being figuring out how to express an internal gender identity to seeing my problem as being how do I heal and recover from traumatic events that I lived through I’ve achieved way more relief overall. I did experience some relief from taking hormones and living as a man but since I started to accept myself as a woman and work through my trauma, I’ve gotten a whole lot more satisfaction and I feel much happier and much more functional overall.

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