Letting Myself Change My Mind

by crashchaoscats

How I feel and see myself changes, how I understand the world changes. I’m trying to just let myself change and go with my intuition and not try to force myself to be a specific thing like I’ve tried to do in the past. I try to be actively aware of myself and try to engage myself critically but I not trying to fit myself into a particular identity. It’s kind of like I’m taking on woman now in order to pursue a line of questioning such as : Why can’t I be a woman? What exactly is a woman and why have I felt like I’m not one? How has the world around me influenced what I think a woman is and how comfortable I’ve felt in claiming that term? What are the consequences of seeing myself as a woman compared to seeing myself as a man or genderqueer?

I’ve felt like a boy recently, a female boy, a boy that’s okay with having tits and a cunt and doesn’t want to pass. This doesn’t conflict with feeling like a woman, I’m a woman who feels like a boy. I don’t really understand why I feel this way but these feelings have persisted for a long time. I felt like some mixture of boy and dyke for years though much of the time only the boy part was expressed or recognized by other people. I get the sense that these feelings represent deeply ingrained aspects of myself but that calling those feelings “boy” has something to do with living in this culture.

“Transitioning” and “detransitioning” doesn’t capture my experience. It’s more like before I was trying to fit within certain parameters, specifically trying to be a man and trying to make my gender oddity “real”, and now I’m trying to just go with what I feel and sense is true while trying to develop my understanding of myself. I guess I was trying to do that in the past too but my methods weren’t as refined as they are now and I made a lot of mistakes. As I try to figure myself out and live honestly, I get better at enacting those skills.

I feel like I ought to explore being a woman because it scares the shit out of me and I want to know why it’s so terrifying. I’m pushing at myself past my own resistances but challenging myself in this way feels right, a proper use of self-scrutiny. I also feel like some sort of boy and feel like I ought to accept that at this point so I will. I think I’ve made mistakes in the past trying to control and fix my form forever. I’m trying to just let myself exist now without clinging to any particular state.

I feel pressure sometimes to try to stay stable or pick a point and stick with it. Part of me just wants to be certain of what I am, what I think and feel but that all fluctuates. Sometimes I look back on things I’ve written and they seem unreal and sometimes I’ll read the same piece again later and it’ll resonate with me.

I can interpret the same event multiple ways and I like that. I like being able to generate several possible understandings. My sense of truth and reality isn’t fixed and instead shifts around some. This ability to look at information from multiple perspectives is something I felt like I was losing when I was on t and that was a major reason why I discontinued taking it. What would be the point of reestablishing this aspect of myself if I didn’t use it and express it?

Part of me feels nervous talking about my shifting mind because I get the sense that a lot of people don’t like such ambiguity. I don’t know why I think that and maybe I’m just being paranoid and overanxious. In any case, I’m hesitant to talk about how much my mind changes but I’m doing it anyways because I want to be honest. I’m trying to give a more accurate picture of my whole process of moving between genders and understandings of gender and how disordered it can be. Otherwise I feel like I’d be writing from the perspective of a fictionalized character based on myself instead of directly expressing myself. That’s the larger project here, not trying to be any specific gender but trying to express myself as clearly and truthfully as possible.

I may sometimes write things that appear to contradict each other but they’re all true. At the very least, what I wrote was true to me when I was writing it. Consider this blog then an evolving bundle of thoughts and reflections rather than a finished project with a stable conclusion.

Sometimes I get sad and upset about changing my body, sometimes I wonder about what it’d be like now if I’d never changed it, sometimes I don’t really care that I did or it doesn’t seem like all that of a big deal, sometimes I think about how it was incredibly interesting experience that was worth it even if it didn’t give me what I was looking for. Sometimes I look back on my first time on t and remember what how amazing that felt and sometimes I look back and think about what a stupid kid I was and feel angry. I got a lot of mixed feelings about the entire experience and sometimes when I think about it I’m like “What the fuck did I do to myself?” and other times I’m like “Eh, so what? Life’s weird. That’s just something I did on the way to getting where I am now.”

Too often people try to package their life into this or that narrative or bring it in line with certain theories. I’m trying not to do that shit anymore. I still fascinated by various theories and ideas. I love reading about what other people think about the world, especially how people have come to understand this fucked up society we live in. I try to remember though that in a sense all these ideas are made up, tools created to better understand reality and that this larger reality can’t ever be fully contained by our concepts. It’s best to look at and examine the world and then generate ideas about it rather than the other way around, trying to fit the world into preconceived understandings. That’s the attitude I’m trying to take in regards to myself, observe what’s there and try to understand it rather than trying to get it to make sense according to a pre-established order.