crashchaoscats

reflectin' & dissectin', thoughts on "detransitioning"

Why I Speak Out/Overcoming Shame

Transcript:

One of the biggest difficulties of being detransitioned is that I don’t get to just be a person. My existence gets politicized, people don’t just read my story to learn about how one woman has lived her life. They read it for evidence, they try to use it to win an argument, they pick it over for information proving or disproving a certain point. I know I’m not the only one out there who has this problem. A lot of people aren’t seen as humans with complicated lives but are instead treated like symbols, case studies, objects. I try to use my experience to enhance my overall empathy. Knowing I’m far from being alone doesn’t make this any less exhausting. The more visible I’ve become the more careful I’ve had to be about what I do and don’t say. Not just because I’ve become a representative of sorts but to protect myself. There are some parts of my life that I’m not going to make public because I don’t want to expose those parts to other people’s distorted projections and misinterpretations. Maybe I just need to stop paying so much attention to other people’s reactions. It’s hard though because I want make sure I’m effectively communicating and so I look for feedback, for how I’m coming across. Read the rest of this entry »

Socialized Trans-the video

I recorded a video of myself reading one of my older essays about pressure to transition. You can read the essay Socialized “Trans” here. I mistakenly said in the video that I wrote it three years ago. Actually it was four years ago. Can’t believe I’ve had this blog for so long!

I decided to make this video because there needs to be more discussion about social dynamics that encourage transition and I thought I could reach more people this way. It also helps to have a face to go along with the experiences being talked about. I want people to know that pressure to transition is a real problem that happens to real people. It’s easier to dismiss it as a myth when it’s an abstract possibility instead of a story someone’s telling about their life.

I hope more trans people can learn to listen to stories like mine and not be threatened. I want there to be more talk within the trans community about how social factors can influence people’s identities and choices because I think this can help gender dysphoric people figure out what’s best for them. Sorting out your psyche and motivations can be complicated and it helps to hear many perspectives. Having access to what I know now would’ve helped my younger self discover what I needed sooner, I’ve been thanked by so many other women for talking about my experiences because it’s helped them accept themselves as female and realize they don’t need to transition. My story doesn’t have the power to take away someone’s real identity but it can help people figure out what they are and how they want to live.

More Detransitioned Women Respond to the Article in the Stranger

 

My Thoughts on the Stranger’s Article on Detransitioning

Transcript coming soon.

A Response to Right-Wing Christian Hypocrisy

Earlier this month, Laurie Higgins, a member of a right-wing Christian group called the Illinois Family Institute, published an article on the group’s website about detransitioned people. It was later reposted on Life Site, another conservative Christian website. The article took my words and those of two other detransitioned women out of context in an attempt to use them to attack trans people. All of us were disgusted with the misuse of our words, images and videos. Carey Callahan, who was among those featured in the article, made a video in response that can be viewed here.

Higgins quoted from a video I made about transitioning as a response to trauma. I made that video to reach out to other trauma survivors, not to smear trans people. Many of those who’ve transitioned due to trauma initially feel ashamed of what they’ve done to survive and cope. I wanted others who’ve gone through this particular struggle to know that they’re not fucked up and that they’re not alone. I also made it clear that even if someone’s transition is motivated by trauma, detransitioning is only one path towards healing and that trans men can stay transitioned and work through their trauma. People have to figure out what works for them and what’s going to give them the best life. Of course, Higgins skipped over that part when she was selecting quotes. It was particularly upsetting that she attempted to use this specific video to shame and stigmatize, to promote the very suffering and harm it was meant to combat.

I’ve had another of my videos end up on a right-wing site before this and I’m afraid that with the far-right becoming increasingly emboldened, this probably won’t be be the last attempt made by right-wing Christians to use the experiences of detransitioned people against trans people. With that in mind, I want to make a few things clear.

Seeing my words taken out of context by right-wing Christians makes me feel violated and humiliated. I’m a fairly private person overall. It’s not easy for me to talk about my trauma online. A lot of the time the only way I can push myself to get vulnerable is to think of other detransitioned women, often women I know in real life, who I know would benefit from hearing about my experience. It’s horrifying to see my words being used by the very kind of people who traumatized me in the first place, with the intent of hurting more people like me. I think of trans men as being people like me, more so than not. My life now is not too different from my life as a trans man.

Like trans men, we detransitioned women are not strangers to being called mentally ill or damaged for being trans. We know what it’s like to live as a trans person is this society and having to deal with others’ disrespect and ignorance. We know what it’s like to be treated like broken deranged women and we know that only increases the damage and creates more wounds to heal from. Treating people as “less than” because they suffer from trauma or mental illness makes it harder for them to heal.

No attack on trans people leaves detransitioned people unscathed. Any attack on their right to exist is an attack on ours. We are all stigmatized for having medically transitioned bodies, our dysphoria is misunderstood, our sanity is questioned, and we are treated like objects or symbols rather than people. Without fail, those who dehumanize trans people dehumanize detransitioned people as well, often by reducing us to our bodies, trauma and suffering. Selectively quoting our words to push an anti-trans narrative isn’t listening to us, it’s exploiting us for a political agenda that hurts our own well-being.

We put our words online to let other detransitioned women know they are not alone, not to make trans people feel more alienated. We talk about our trauma and dysphoria, how we’ve suffered from it and what we’ve done to heal in order to help others who are suffering, not to add to their difficulties or humiliate them. We talk about how we have been mistreated and dehumanized for not fitting into gender roles, for being “too masculine”, for being visibly lesbian, for being trans, for being what society considers freakish and unnatural. We speak out against how we and others like us have been wronged in order to end that injustice, not to give ammunition to those who wronged us. The Christian Right are prominent among those who create and enforce the misogyny, sexism and homophobia that drove us to transition. Therefore, when we speak out against social forces that drive women to transition, we speak out against right-wing Christians and the harm they promote as well.

Detransitioned women work together to undo the damage done by right-wing Christians and others who promote a restricted view of what a woman can be, who say you can’t be lesbian, butch, or gender non-conforming and be a “real” woman. We work to let other women know that they are not unnatural, sinful, disgusting, unhealthy or freakish for being the kind of woman they are, that they don’t have to change their bodies to be “right”.

So many detransitioned women have been hurt by right-wing Christians, either being raised in churches that teach us who we are is wrong or coming into contact with Christians who use their religion as a justification to reject our full humanity and mistreat us. I’ve felt the toxic social influence of right-wing Christians starting when I was a child. I grew up going to school with Christian kids who believed being gay was a sin. They bullied me for being “too masculine” and later for coming out as a lesbian.  I grew up in a town where the Unitarian church my family attended was called “satanic” by other churches in town for being gay-friendly. I grew up learning about how right-wing Christian organizations were determined to eliminate gay people either by trying to turn us straight or push us back into the closet. I knew gay kids whose conservative Christian parents threw them out or sent them to conversion “therapy”. I’m not surprised that many detransitioned lesbians I know had conservative Christian upbringings. Right-wing Christians provided us all with ample encouragement to reject ourselves. If there wasn’t so much social pressure not to be a lesbian or butch or otherwise “unfeminine,” we wouldn’t have been so eager to change ourselves and our bodies. Right-wing Christianity is one of the strongest social forces driving women to transition.

Right-wing Christians who exploit our words conveniently leave out the fact that many detransitioned women are now happily living as lesbian or bisexual women and are very often butch or otherwise gender non-conforming. They zero in on our pain and ignore our recovery, which often involves embracing much of what they reject as sinful or unhealthy. They use our mental suffering as proof that all those who deviate from their ideal of heterosexuality and stereotypical womanhood and manhood are lesser people, deserving a lesser place in society. Right-wing Christians will exploit our trauma but not take responsibility for their part in creating it. Right-wing Christians inflict damage on women, gay, trans and gender non-conforming people, causing us to suffer–and then turn around and use that suffering to justify their mistreatment of us. They work hard to make life inhospitable for lesbians and other women who fall outside their idea of proper womanhood, spreading lies about how we’re sick, sinful, how our bodies aren’t our own. This encourages more women to hate themselves and dissociate from their female bodies. Right-wing Christians contribute to the very conditions that lead some women to reject themselves and transition and then try to use the suffering they’ve caused in order to inflict even more damage. In truth, right-wing Christians don’t want us to heal or be well because we’re more useful to them when we suffer.

I won’t stay silent in the face of such hypocrisy. I won’t stand by when assholes try to use my words to prop up a political agenda that endangers both trans people and detransitioned women. I consider such misuse of my words to be a violation and an attack on my own person. I work towards a world without patriarchy, which means working towards a world without the Religious Right. I’m tired of right-wing Christians feeding off my suffering, as well as the suffering of other women, gay people, trans people and others harmed by patriarchal sex roles. I will do whatever I can to resist them and the damage they create.

If you want to support detransitioned and dysphoric women, resist the Right and join in struggles to keep them out of power. Right-wing Christians and other social conservatives are the source of much of our suffering. They work to create a society where we can’t exist as we are, which makes transitioning a very appealing survival strategy.  Uprooting right-wing Christianity will give all women more power and more space to be free.

Video I Made for the Detransition Presentation at USPATH 2017

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Crash. I’ll give you a bit of background about my transition history. I started living as a man when I was eighteen. I started taking testosterone when I was twenty. I took testosterone for a total of four years. I lived as a man for about nine years. I detransitioned when I was twenty-seven, I’m thirty now. I detransitioned because I realized that my dysphoria and trans identity were rooted in trauma and internalized misogyny. I was severely bullied and harassed, starting when I was a young girl and continuing throughout my teenage years. First I was bullied for being a gender non-conforming girl and later for coming out as a butch lesbian. I also realized that starting in my teenage years and also in my early twenties I received a lot of encouragement for identifying as a trans man. People treated me a whole lot better when I passed for male or when I was seen as a trans man compared to when I was seen as a woman and I think that greatly influenced how I saw myself. I also see a connection between my decision to transition and my mom’s suicide. She killed herself when I was twenty and I started hormones about three months after she killed herself. We greatly physically resembled each other and I think one of my motivations for changing my body is I wanted to differentiate myself from her. So I looked back over my past and realized that my transition and my trans identity were coping mechanisms for dealing with traumatic events that I had been living through and that a lot of what I had experienced as dysphoria was a kind of dissociation that resulted, er, was a result of trauma. And since I shifted my approach to dealing with my dysphoria from seeing my main problem to being figuring out how to express an internal gender identity to seeing my problem as being how do I heal and recover from traumatic events that I lived through I’ve achieved way more relief overall. I did experience some relief from taking hormones and living as a man but since I started to accept myself as a woman and work through my trauma, I’ve gotten a whole lot more satisfaction and I feel much happier and much more functional overall.

Lost to Follow-Up/How Far Can You Follow Me?

[Re-reading this lately, I find there’s a lot I no longer relate to. I go through periods were I feel very distraught by my transition but more and more I’m finding ways to make peace with my past and accept how I got to where I am today. I will probably always have a lot of complicated and somewhat conflicted feelings about my transition. I was working through the ways transitioning had hurt me and my shame around transitioning when I wrote this. Many detransitioned women I know have felt extreme negativity about their past transition at some point and that affects our relationships to the medical and psychiatric professionals who helped us transition. I still thinks it’s important for those facilitating medical transition to know that detransitioned people may not be forthcoming about our experiences because our transitions are associated with trauma, self-destructiveness and shame, among other things.]

 

I haven’t told any of the medical providers who helped me transition that I’ve since detransitioned and accepted myself as a woman. Not the therapist who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder, not the doctors or nurse practitioners who prescribed me testosterone and took my blood for testing. I haven’t contacted any of these women (all the providers I saw happened to be female) and told them what became of me.

I wouldn’t bother telling them about my detransition without telling them why I transitioned and how it was a kind of self-destructive coping mechanism. The thought of telling my old providers about how transitioning hurt me is intimidating, overwhelming. I’d be making myself very vulnerable and I don’t trust doctors to begin with, not even the nice ones. Why would it be easy to tell those who prescribed me testosterone that doing so helped me hurt myself? Why would it be easy to tell them that they were enabling my self-destruction? Their good intentions makes it even harder to tell them.
Read the rest of this entry »

A Woman Can

I wrote “A Woman Can” about three years ago, when I was twenty-eight. Just being able to put my experience into words was a big deal because there was hardly anything out there at the time that described what I’d lived through. In the communities I’d been a part of so much of my experience was seen as categorically un-woman, un-female. Claiming experiences like transitioning, living as a man, seeing one’s self as a third gender and so on as things a woman could experience was very helpful and healing.

This piece appears in the zine Blood and Visions: Womyn Reconciling with Being Female, a collection of writing by detransitioned and re-identified women. Copies of the zine can be ordered here: http://www.greenwomanstore.com/blood-and-visions.html

 

Three Old Posts from NoGoingBack

These are some old posts I made on NoGoingBack, a listserv for people who stopped their transition, stopped taking hormones and/or detransitioned. Most the people on that listserv still identified as some kind of trans or genderqueer even though they’d ceased medically transitioning. Most of them were females who had taken t but for one reason or another had chosen not to stay on it. I’ve always known of way more people who transitioned FtM and then stopped than those who transitioned MtF and stopped but always saw the latter get way more attention in the media.

I originally joined the listserv when I was nineteen or so, after I’d started living as a man but before I medically transitioned. I wanted to read about the experiences of people who’d physically transitioned and then stopped so I could use that information to help me decide whether to take t or not. After I physically transitioned, I would occasionally post on the listserv when I was having doubts or rethinking my identity. I posted on there a few times during the first time I stopped taking t.

These are the last three posts I made on NoGoingBack. I wrote them over the course of about a year,  as I was gradually coming to recognize myself as a woman again and figuring out why I took testosterone and how transitioning had impacted my life in ways I hadn’t anticipated. By the time I wrote the last one, “feeling like i lost something”, the listserv was almost dead. Luckily for me, another detransitioned woman happened upon my post and asked me if I wanted to correspond. Read the rest of this entry »

Reclaiming Female/Speaking Back

Cut off from myself, wrenched apart, scattered into pieces, I mistook my wounds for what I was. Encouraged to live inside illusions, I gave my life to them to keep them alive and take what protection they offered.

I am a dyke coming back together after being severed and scattered, after learning to fear my own body and see it wretched and not enough, a place under constant threat I had to escape or change to survive in.
Read the rest of this entry »